24: Day 8: Hour 3

Kiefer Sutherland Roped into Alleged Cattle Scam

Oh boy is that guy gonna regret it.

Viewer mail! Bonnie M. aka DammitJanet writes:

"Evil Dracula Man is Percy Weyutmowah from "The Green Mile" That's how you know he's bad...he squashed Mr. Jingles!!!"

Gasp! The Green Mile is a great book and Percy Wetmore is one of my most hated fictional characters ever. I hated that guy.

I wonder if anyone else on the show has any connection to Tom Hanks? (wink)

Matsby points out that this guy was also the stretchy guy Tooms from a couple of classic episodes of X-Files, and my own research has led me to the conclusion that he plays Dharma Initiative hippie Horace Godspeed on Lost. Fascinating!

Alright, on to episode 3.

• Well uh, I've already forgotten what's happened. Oh yeah, a helicopter blew up.

• The recap tells me that Evil Dracula Man's name is Davros. So he's Greek? Is this a sign that I should go get a Gyro? I think it is brb.


• Does Davros's presence here mean that this plot might be tied in to the Baltimore drug trade?


• Suit Guy's confidence is starting to sound like desperation. He's like the kid in grade school that wants to be liked for his hard work. Nobody likes a hard worker.

• What we have here....


• ... is 327 straight seconds of nothing but computer jargon nonsense. I think they're actually speaking in zeroes and ones.

• Davros says "I'm just doing my job." We've all heard that before, haven't we, bank executives?

• Jack is frustrated with Chloe because all she was able to do was get him to the intersection where Davros is hiding using only one tiny scrap of information.

• "Gangsters" from the "Hood" put Jack through a quick session of Scared Straight.


• Weird moment. Very cliched. Lazy writing. Possibly racist?

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #4! Oh. Just a regular old gun.


• Davros has killed his cop buddy and wife and made his escape. Meanwhile Jack is creeping around a dead cop's house with a gun. This will go over well.

• Waitaminute I know this cop...


• Herc! Dammit Herc you mess up everything you do. And you couldn't catch a Greek to save your life. #thewire

• Almost Leonardo goes to visit Dana Walsh. I would have thought CTU would be hidden or at least have a, you know, secure parking lot.

• Almost Leonardo: "How'd you pull this off, what'd you use a dead girl's birth certificate?

• Aha! So Dana Walsh pulled a Dick "Don Draper" Whitman, who himself pulled an Armin Tamzarian.

• I haven't mentioned the scenes of Hastings interrogating Reed because nothing is really happening. If events occur in real time, it means that when the audience isn't watching the interrogation it's nothing more than Hastings going "Come on! Tell me! Come on!"

• Reed hints at the affair with Evil Regis.

• Herc is giving Jack a taste of his own medicine with some basement torture.


• 626pm and it's slightly dim outside. That means in the next scene the sky will be pitch black. There are no sunsets in the 24verse.

• Davros has infiltrated the NYPD and is part of the detail being briefed by Cole Ortiz.

• Politics! Something something peace process. I'm gonna go ahead and admit that I'm not paying attention.

• I will now refer to Evil Regis by his real name, Omar Hassan. I still haven't learned Longhair Todd's name though. Hassan is going to have lie about banging the blonde reporter. Tense! Oh he told the truth. Awkward.

• Beat Up Jack Bauer looks like Regular Kiefer Sutherland.


• Herc, you made the oldest mistake in the book. You tied Jack Bauer to a breakable chair.


• Arlo is trying to convince Dana to dump her fiance Cole for him. Do people really do that? Movie people do it all the time.

• Uh-oh, there's a bomb at the UN. But evacuating the UN that's just what they want!

• Jack is whisper-yelling! It's all happening!

• Jack tells the security detail that it's a trap and Cole Ortiz actually listens! He must have Netflixed earlier seasons of the show. In a desperate move Cole crashes his car into Hassan's limo, thwarting the assassination attempt, but are either of them alive? Whaaaaaaaa!

Harrison Ford Still Wants Snack

Part One

24: Day 8: Hour 2

Just joining us? Better go read Hour 1. It's over there somewhere >>>>>>>>>>>>>

• Dracula Man sneaks out of a building and eyes his handiwork. A blowed-up chopper.


• In 24's world rooftop helicopter explosions are pretty ho-hum.

• CTU is decoding some... codes or something. They've figured out who's on the inside, who might be responsible for the hit on Evil Regis.

SURPRISE TWIST #2! - it's Meredith Reed, the blonde reporter!



• CTU NY views all their data on an Imax screen.



• Reed gets picked up at the UN. This is too easy. Seems like a frame job.

• CTU seems to have learned something from past seasons, actually searching people before allowing them into the building.



• Freddie Prinze Jr's voice has always thrown me off. It sounds like he's either trying to do a fake New York accent, or trying to hide a real New York accent.

• Jack: "I'm at CTU."
Kim: "CTU? Does this have something to do with what's happening at the UN?"
Jack: "Dammit Kim have you learned nothing?"

• CTU is bringing in Reed. Chloe isn't buying it. She's trying to convince Jack that this is deeper than just Reed, but Jack is resisting. He can resist all he wants, but his whisper-yell is starting to come back. We all know how this is going to turn out.

• Argh, Evil Regis! He's the silliest looking man on this show!



• Oh, I stand corrected.



SURPRISE TWIST #3! - who's on the other end of Longhair Todd's phonecall?


• Uh oh.



"Starbuck is touching me Starbuck is touching me Starbuck is touching me..."

• Private call for Starb- oh shit it's Corey Feldman.


• Wait, I'm wrong again. It's not Corey Feldman, it's Almost Leonardo DiCaprio.


• We find out that Starbuck isn't her name at all. Her real name is Dana Walsh. Only Dana Walsh isn't her real name either which makes this SURPRISE TWIST #4!

• Good to see that CTU's background check system is still worthless. They go to freecreditreport dotcom and call it a day.

• Chloe wants Jack to talk to CTU Director Hastings about the theory that Reed was framed. Jack resists but she gives him her Sad Face.


• But Jack counters with his Homer Simpson face.

• Seriously, if Homer Simpson were real.. ^^^

• Hastings: "I'm sorry Jack, but as the head of CTU it's my job to dismiss 99.9% of everything that anybody tells me."

• Jack: "I hate this place." AWESOME!

• Chloe wants Jack to stay and help. He says "I can't" but this time it was definitely in the whisper growl. He's back.


"Grampa I drew you!"

"That's you!"


"This likeness is terrible. You've disappointed me for the last time. I'm going back to work."

• Alright, it's time for one of my favorite television scenes. "Back up. There. Zoom-in. Enhance. Aha!"



• Dana Walsh speaks vaguely with her sister (?) about her secret. I think the big secret is that she's from Wyoming. I'd keep that a secret too. Wyoming am I right? Just kidding, you're good sports.

• Jack marches on into the CTU armory to help himself to some guns and refill his Jack Bag.



• Director Hastings is resentful.


• And rightly so! Jack only shows up on the exciting days, takes all the glory, and then rides off into the sunset. Where is Jack during CTU Secret Santa? Where is he on CTU Six Flags Day? Office Cleaning Day? The day the regional director shows up and everyone has to wear their stupid CTU logo polo shirts and limit their breaks to fifteen minutes and put up with lousy corporate types all day? Huh?

• Jack threatens to go to the President if he doesn't get his way. That's kind of his battle-cry this season.

• Jack is on his way to track down Dracula Man. But he might be too late...

"Mind if I come in and menace your family?"

• Uh oh. He's posing as an NYPD officer? He's going to weasel his way into Evil Regis guard detail! His poor cop buddy could be a victim of his nefarity!

• Meanwhile...


• Dana Walsh uses her shoulders as a sexual weapon.

• One man suffers from weird hair envy.

• And someone is going to be tortured. Waaaaaa!

24: Day 8: Hour 1

One of my New Year's Resolutions, my only New Year's Resolution in fact, was to watch more television. The last couple of years I've limited my viewing to exclusively watch shows where people are being judged, like Top Chef or Project Runway or the Tyra Banks Goes Crazy and Steals America's Innocence Variety Fun Hour. A friend recommended that since I'm so keen on televised judging that I might enjoy a judge show like but I'm rarely home awake during the day.

But that's neither here nor there. 2010 is going to be the year of TV. I've decided to watch every show, starting in alpha-numeric order. First up is 24. Then 48 Hours Investigates. I'm not sure what comes after that, as this is a short-sighted plan.

So! I'm going to be watching 24 and blogging my thoughts live as I watch! Maybe later I'll throw some pictures in. I'm glad you've chosen to join me on this journey. I'll think we'll learn a lot about the world, and ourselves.

The following blog will take place between 7:06pm and Whenever I Finish. Events occur in real time, for me.

• I've seen every episode of 24, minus 2/3rds of Season 4, 11/12ths of Season 6, and 4/4ths of Season 7. Other than that, I know this show like I know my oldest pair of shoes.


• Oh, Kiefer Sutherland is in this? Neat! I'm glad to see him getting out of the house.

• Looks like we're in New York City this season. To make sure we never forget, a yellowcab is in every scene. Even the interiors.

• A suspicious looking fellow is getting out of one of these cabs in a brand new red hooded sweatshirt. Hey is that Lou Diamond Phillips? Oh. It's not. Maybe we shouldn't even bother with this.

• An assassin has his sights on him.



• but luckily the assassin is of the "maybe I should just watch him for nine more seconds just to make sure" school.



• Uh oh dead guy in the tub!

• Red Hoodie has a piece. No wait it's a phone. No wait it's both! Uh-oh, his other buddy has been shot too!

• For being a junkie his sweatshirt is surprisingly new and in great condition.

• Red Hoodie is being watched by a guy with a poofy beehive wig.


• Red Hoodie pulls the old outerwear switcheroo and will heretofore be known as Green Jacket.


• Green Jacket has hotwired a sweet ride. A... Pontiac?

• Does Pontiac even exist anymore?

• These bad guys have questionable accents and vague ethnicity. That's the most dangerous foe. The kind you can't easily apply a set of stereotypes too. How do you know if you can distract them with a pizza pie or gradually defeat them with a potato famine?

• Green Jacket escapes.

"Ah crap. I should have at least fired once."

• Awwww, Jack has finally settled down and is getting some rest.


• But he still hates surprises. That polar bear suffered an unspeakable fate.

• There's everybody's favorite Canadian, Elisha Cuthbert, with a thing that looks uncannily like a human. Something something Jack is going to settle down for good and move with to L.A.

• The United Nations Building. Did you know that the UN building features this sculpture?


• Now that you know that, does it make you uncomfortable to think about how many important things go on inside that building while that sculpture rests outside?

• Bob Gunton? Oh great. Someone is going to be given an unnecessarily hard time.


• The Poofy Hair epidemic continues.


• Well, that should be it for dudes with crazy hair WHAT THE-


• I think Madame President has a little crush on Poofy Haired Evil Regis.




• Jack is speaking in a normal tone of voice instead of his trademark Whisper-Yell. I think that means he's officially retired.

• Jack to Kim: "I've made up my mind. I want to move back to LA. I've got a friend with a private security firm."

SURPRISE TWIST #1! - Jack has friends that aren't dead.

• In other news, it looks like Bones is finally taking on the JFK assassination. You'll want to make sure to tune in, whatever day Bones is on.

• Meanwhile, back at the UN some lady's press credentials are invalid. I can't decide if she looks like Renee Zellwegger or Lisa Kudrow. Either way, she's not getting into the UN.

• Evil Regis and Longhair Todd are arguing about something.

"They want the nuclear inspection team to be headed by an American!"

"If that is the path to peace, so be it!"

"But what if it's a trick! Look how tricky they are!"



"We have fought too hard for these historic peace accords! You know nothing!"

"I saved Latin! What did you ever do?"

"Nevermind that! There's a blonde reporter I want to bang. Make sure she gets into the building."

• Seriously, so poofy.

• Back at his apartment Jack packs his celebrated Jack Bag.


"Hmm, I bet I could get the flatscreen in here..."

• Knock at the door, Green Jacket.

• Jack: "Lou? Is it time for Young Guns III? Oh."

• Green Jacket: "I have important information! You're going to want to hear it! It's so important that I have to tell it to you right away! Before I bleed to death! If I bleed to death you won't know the information that I have and it's too important for you to not know, this information, that I have!"

• Turns out there's a hit out on Evil Regis.

• We meet Freddie Prinze Jr. and take a quick jaunt through CTU New York, a Galaxy Class starship.

• Starbuck with long hair! She's wearing a tank top. I'm glad to see that CTU still doesn't have a dress code.

• Our old friend Chloe! Frustrated with CTU's new computer system. That seems unlikely.

• Odd, there's an African-American gentleman on network television and he's not a former case member of the Wire.

• Jack: "Hey, there's a hit on Evil Regis!"
CTU: "Piss off."

• CTU's latest sarcastic computer guy is using the remarkable surveillance tech to spy on a girl sunbathing in a modest bikini. 'cause how else would a tech savvy guy be able to find a naked lady on a computer?

• Beehive Wig is in league with some kind of menacing Dracula Man.



• Bob Gunton breaks some good news to the President, then runs off to search for some Contraband.

• Suit Guy shows up. He seems dangerously competent. A little too competent to be part of a 24 executive administration.



• He warns of the threat of the Evil Regis hit but Gunton is from the "we don't want to incite a panic" school.

• yeah Suit Guy, you tell him!

• Uh oh, Gunton is from the "sneeking away and popping pills" school too.

• Oh, they're not feelgood pills, they're anti-death pills. Suit Guy shows compassion.

• Romantic Tension! Freddie Prinze and Starbuck are engaged or something.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #1!: Jack produces a switchblade used to make a band-aid out of a mattress.




• Evil Regis's wife coldly spurns his affections.

• Suit Guy is pissed.


• You're gonna like the way you look, standing up to the President.

• Jack is on a deadline but the NYPD screws everything up, as usual.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #2!: 9mm lockshooter.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #3!: Fire axe. That axe probably wasn't in his bag, but we can't know for sure.

• Dracula Man kills a CTU chopper! Green Jacket reveals that there is someone on the inside! Someone close to Evil Regis! Blonde Reporter promises to her cell phone that "It will get done!" Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!