24: Day 8: Hour 7

I'm kind of irritated because watching 24 tonight is going to cut into my Curling time. Right now I'm watching the USA (my team) take on Canada (Kiefer Sutherland's team, presumably). I DVR'd it earlier today so don't spoil it for me! I'm only on the Third End but so far it's shaping up to be a classic bonspiel. Wow, great shot knocking Canada's rock right of the button! Can Team Canada get back on track with only three stones left? Oh no! Jason Smith hit one of our own guards! He's going to have to throw better than 50% if we want to have a chance here. What? Oh yeah. Poofy hair. Smelly Renee. Nuclear wessels and all that.

• We open with Suit Guy, who tells the President "That went well. Unanimous support for the treaty." Apparently President Taylor likes to surround herself with the kind of Yes Men that simply recap events that happened only moments before.

• The British chap from last episode is getting all up in President Taylor's grill with his dry wit. I guess he's going to be a character then.



• President Taylor very wisely tells him all about the nuclear materials that CTU can't find. That won't come back to haunt her.

• German Jack ride's in the backseat with Bearded Russian. Any semblance of an accent has been dropped completely.

• Arlo grabs a snapshot worthy of a National Geographic prize.



• Dana runs off to answer her cell phone! Somebody fire her already!

• Jack is grumpy as all get out. He does not like it when he wires dudes $5 million and then they try to kill him.

• Look how mad he is! He rips his disguise right off!


• For the fourteenth time, Jack tries to convince Renee to abort the mission, and for the fourteenth time she talks him out of it. Then he puts his Where's Waldo glasses back on.



• Dana is busy helping Fake Leo and his Weird Friend break into a police storage facility. I am getting so mad at her.


• This place has less security than the average Best Buy. You'd think they'd at least be a cop there. The NYPD has about 38,000 officers. Not a single one of them has pissed off their superior enough to get busted to the evidence warehouse detail? "You've gone too far this time McSorley! You disobeyed a direct order and made me look like a jackass! Well you'll have plenty of time to think about it when you're guarding the Evidence Warehouse!"

• Actual Dialogue:
"The money is in locker 4301"
"4301... 4301... man, that's too many numbers."

• Uh-oh, Weird Friend is getting greedy.


• Since he's Russian, naturally he drinks Vodka.


• And since Jack is pretending to be German, naturally...



• Alpha Russian mourns his Dead Radioactive Son.

• Sweaty Russian calls Alpha Russian about the nuclear rods. Alpha snaps that he has no such rods.



• Alpha halts the rod-hauling truck, fearing that the jig is up.

• Nuclear Rods, or the Lost Ark?

• Hassan is frazzled.



• Taylor is getting snippy, asking him about the crackdown within his imaginary nation.


• Hassan's version of Jack Bauer takes a stand. "You promised you were different." Hassan thanks him for telling it like it is, and appreciates his forthrightness. But as soon as the guy leaves, Hassan changes his tune. He's devolving into paranoia!

• Weird Friend decides the money should all be his.


• SURPRISE TWIST #5 - It's a squirt gun. Seriously. Now because they were horsing around with squirt guns, they're going to get caught.

• Dana Walsh you are the WORST!


• Ah, there's that insubordinate cop.

• Dana advises them to slip past the cop, but instead they beat him up. But not before he called it in.

• Beware Dana's angry face!



• Hassan's security guy, who's name is Tarin or Balin or maybe Pauly goes to Hassan's daughter, but guys come to detain him. We've got ourselves a real Sharks vs. Jets situation here. Personally I would have a hard time being romantic with Hassan's smiling face staring at me.

• So I guess Sweaty Russian is just making cold calls? "So, uh, got any nuclear rods?"


• "I can't find anything."

• "You got leads. German Jack paid good money for those leads."


• "The leads are weak!"

• "You're weak! You can't buy rods? You are a rod, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, because you are about to get stabbed in the eyeball."

• Sweaty Russian starts smacking Renee around, so she STABS HIM IN THE EYEBALL.


• But maybe that wasn't enough, so she stabs him in every possible stabbable surface. Jack tries to stop her, AND SHE STABS HIM.


• Beardy Russian busts in, so Jack PULLS THE KNIFE OUT OF HIS BELLY AND FLINGS IT RIGHT INTO THE GUY'S THROAT.


• Jack Bauer Weapon Count #6 - a well-used knife.

• Then he shoots some guys. And hugs Renee telling her "It's alright, it's alright."


• Jack slaps on a bandaid. In case you forgot, he just got stabbed right in the belly.

• Hastings wastes everyone's time.

• Jack and Renee have a moment. She just wants her life back. "I don't have anyone!" Jack: "You've got me." Then they do it. Then she stabs him again.

• Aha, some guys show up! Jack decides to let himself get captured, because that will lead him to the rods. I wish I could properly demonstrate how hilarious it was when these nervous guys busted in. But trust me, it was really funny.


• My brother points out that this season feels like it was made by fans of 24 and not actual trained writers and directors. It certainly feels that way, but people have been paid good money to write this stuff.

• Pretty awesome when Jack threw that knife though.

• Cole and the Gang bust in, Renee stabs them all.

• CTU is supposed to be following Jack, but they didn't see any vehicles enter or leave the building! Where is he? We don't know! Whaaaaa!

24: Day 8: Hour 6

• Okay. The following takes place between 9apm-10pm.

• There is some bitchin' prog metal playing while Jack gets out of his car and sneaks around. I wish it would keep up for the whole episode.

• Jack to Hastings "We need to pull Renee out SHE DOESN'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES HER DANGEROUS! SHE'S A BOMB READY TO GO OFF!"

• Jack says, let's just arrest these goons and I'll do what I do best.

• Hastings: "We don't do that anymore"



• Jack: "Dammit!"

• Jack argues with Hastings. Says to "give him immunity or something. Or offer him a Take Five bar. Have you tried one of those? They're delicious!"


• "I'm not going to offer him a Reese's product!"



• "But it's a wonderful snack!"

• Jack continues. Renee is like a Saab running on underinflated tires. Let me just go grab her!



• Hastings: "When I became head of CTU I took an oath. An oath to undermine every mission and make every decision as though it were opposite day."

• The Dystopian Techno Metal continues. This is like a Super Nintendo game.

• Dana is supposed to be working but is instead figuring out ways to scam money for her layabout ex and his weird friend.




• Arlo acts sleazy. "You always have my shoulder to cry on. Or any other body part. WINK WINK!"

• Snarls negotiates with Vladimir, re: Uranium.

• Radioactive Son is getting treatment, Alpha Russian is growing impatient.

• Dr. Winceface embarrasses himself with his exaggerated "Don't shoot me!" gesture and random Professor Frink noises.



• Radioactive Son needs a bone marrow transplant, which requires a six-man surgical team and a fully stocked operating room, or Jack from Lost.

• (guys named Jack get. things. done).

• Snarls and the Russian are arguing. Close talking.


Russian: "Quit being a bitch!"
Snarls: "I'm a bitch? Maybe you're a bitch!"
Russian: "You can go from 0 to bitch in 3. 2 seconds!"
Snarls: "That sounds like something a bitch would say!"
Russian: "You're other car is a broom!"



• Jack is going in without a plan. Like he even needs one. The Russians are plotting to kill "the buyer" as soon as the money for the Uranium rods is transferred.

• The President and Gang are watching footage of the crackdowns in Hassan's fake country. The other nations are threatening to back out of this peace deal. So, it turns out there are other countries involved in this peace deal.

• Hassan is briefed on the arrests. One of the arrestees has a connection to a member of Hassan's inner circle, Hassan demands that man's arrest as well! Some new guy lectures Hassan on the dangers or arresting people willy-nilly, but Hassan snaps and throws down his folder in rage!







• Technology! CTU has a machine that can create any kind of ID badge.



• Arlo is complaining about servers or some bullshit.



• Dana: "I'm going to the bathroom leave me alone!"



• Arlo: "You always have my shoulder to go to the bathroom on."

• Chloe tells Arlo that he's a creep, Arlo responds with "You're just jealous," classic creep comeback. Chloe says (sarcastically) "Yeah, I want you to stare at my ass!" then walks away and the camera lingers on her ass. This show is so weird.



• Alright, Arlo is hip to Dana's misdeeds.



• Snarls comes out of the shower which I think means this whole season has been a dream.

• What if she washed out her CTU magic earpiece? Did Jack listen to her in the shower? Did he like it?

• Hard to tell.

• Remember how I thought Renee probably smelled weird? The shower hasn't changed my mind.

• The Russian is demanding relations, or the deal is off! How far is Renee willing to go? She's like a bag of chips that didn't entirely fall from the vending machine.

• Renee flushes her earpiece because SHE HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE SHE'S LIKE A VIGOROUSLY SHAKEN CAN OF MR. PIBB!

• Some British guy is saying that they're going to have a hard time supporting these agreements what with the civil rights violations Hassan is perpetrating.

• Here, this is just as good as a bone marrow transplant.



• Uh oh more guys! Alpha Russian does not mess around.

• Alpha Russian laughs maniacally when he finds out his sons have been rounded up.



• Nice German-Guy disguise Jack!



• Yes! He's speaking in a German accent!

• They test him by speaking German. Good idea guys! If he was only pretending to be German, he probably wouldn't be able to speak the language.

• Jack speaks German, but with an American accent. He explains it away and lights a cigarette most Europeanly.



• They decide to speak English, and Jack drops his accent almost entirely.

• I could probably make a joke about how that guy doesn't last long in bed here.



• CLOSE TALKING



• The money transferred, the Russians fix on taking out Jack, but Rooftop Cole shuts them down right quick. Nice!



• Family drama. Josef the non-radioactive son seems to have some sort of conscience. Alpha Russian is going to exterminate Josef but instead turns the gun on Radioactive Son.

• In conclusion: