24: Day 8: Hour 5

Still two weeks behind, I just can't catch up. Let's go!

• We're globetrotting at the start of this hour as we pan across the skyline of the Islamic Republic of Kamistan. President Taylor is going to feel so stupid when she finds out she's been negotiating with a fake country.


• All the pictures Hassan showed her of Kamistan were actually postcards from the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas.

• Longhair is on the phone with some Sweaty Villains(tm).


• Hassan's forces in Kamistan are rounding up suspected terrorists that are all in co-operation with Longhair and General Sweaty.

• The Russian's son is dying of radiation poisoning. The Russian's Other Son says he can get treatment but pops refuses. If he's gonna die, he's gonna die. You think you become head of the Russian Mob by caring about your offspring?

• I wonder if his face is capable of any other expression?


• Oh wait here he is grinning.



• I've never seen the movie Das Boot but I bet I would like it.

• Longhair will PayPal The Russian the money for the nuclear rods in five hours. That should give Jack plenty of time to stop the sale, but not enough time to take us to the end of the season. So in five hours expect the New Bad Guy to show up.

• See, every season of 24 the original set of bad guys get taken out about halfway through, then a new more sinister group of bad guys takes over from there.

• The Russian: "I'll help us pass the time" and out come some hot hot hotties!


• Longhair is playing it cool, acting like he doesn't care, but you would not believe the boner he's sporting right now.



• Renee "Snarles Barkley" Walker is trying to ... reattach the hand? Oh she didn't even cut the whole thing off, just the thumb. That hardly even counts.


• Jack is piiiiiissed. I've never seen him like that before.

• Jack tells Renee she's unstable. She's so hurt by this that she cuts off her own ear to prove him wrong.

• Renee declares, "I'm the best chance anyone has of recovering the uranium." Wrong Snarles, Jack Bauer armed with an Etch-a-Sketch would still have a better chance than you.

• Haha, Thumbless Russian is making crazy noises. He sounds like Chewbacca mixed with Sloth.

• Renee: "What's done is done, don't whine about it like a baby." No sympathy.

• Oh good everyone's favorite story line returns! Dana Walsh and Fake Leo's stupid phone calls. So apparently he calls once an hour, with the same taunt. "I need to see you. Don't make me call your boy-friend."

• Geez now Arlo is giving Dana the business. I kind of feel like I'm not part of the club since I haven't sleezily asked her on a date yet. "Dana, Starbuck, Katee, whichever of those is your real name: Why run around Hollywood like a big shot when you could be with a Lolcat Man?"

• Back in PresidentLand Suit Man is speaking with great urgency as he tells Taylor about the nuclear materials. He's getting whiny. I wish he'd just square up with people instead of standing with his hands on his hips and talking to people sideways.


• Bob Gunton is the voice of reason here. See, Hassan is cracking down on dissidents and violating his own country's laws, which could delegitimize the peace talks.

• Thumbless Russian is drinking vodka, in case you forgot what his nationality was.


• The lovefest between the President and Hassan is over. Great line reading by Hassan. "Your asking me to show meeeeercy to an enemy whoistrying to DESTROY ME!"

• The Russian's sons have gone rogue! Healthy Son is taking Radioactive Son to the doctor, against his father's specific wishes.

• Back to Hassan's family. More of what we love. Family drama. Hassan's cold and terrible wife is spewing vague anti-Hassan sentiments to their daughter. "You can make your own decisions. I'm not going to say anything to make you think your father is a bastard face."

• Doesn't that hand seem really big?


• Hassan's wife says a tearful goodbye. They're through. Hassan's hair seems a little less poofy now.

• Renee is giving Jack some lip but he will not take her guff! Personally I don't care for Renee's cavalier attitude either.

• Their going in to meet some more Russians. Jack's cover: he's a Munich based arms dealer named Ernst Meier. I hope he does a German accent.

• More sweaty villains just hanging out in the dark.


• Fake Leo invited a buddy over to stay at Dana's place. Who is this clown?

• He loses his temper. Wants some respect. Beating up Dana is a bad way to get it. We learn about their past: she spent some time in the clink, but got out before him because she was a minor. He thinks she testified against him (at this point we don't know what the crime was). Fake Leo wants money, at least six figures. I don't think he deserves that. In fact I think Dana should just kill him right now. Instead she's crying.

• More stuff with Jack and Renee. It's possible - possible - that Renee has nothing to lose.

• Sweaty Russian is quizzing her on all the terrorists she knows while Jack frantically Wikipedias the names. Sweaty Russian: "Oh you know Javier? Well surely you know Ricardo as well?" Renee: (long pause) "Nooo... because Ricardo was killed by Federales!"

• More close talking!


• Sweaty Russian is still suspicious, ties up Renee and throws her in the trunk.

• Convenient new technology makes "Enlarge, Enhance" license-plate reading that much easier.


• Jack is following, but what if it's the wrong car?



• Jack: "DAMMIT!" That was kind of cool.

• The Russian brothers barge in on Dr. Winceface.


• Jack is still following while Hastings barks out worthless orders.

• Yep, Jack was following the wrong car.


• Jack: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!"

• Jack is on the way to the site of Renee's execution. He tells her via secret earpiece to do whatever it takes to stall.


• Jack: "GEEZE LOUISE THIS IS BALONEY!"

• Sweaty Russian ask Renee why he shouldn't kill her and she says:



• Renee's life is spared! The deal is still on! Whaaaaaaa!

Tommy Lee Jones's Superbowl Party

24: Day 8: Hour 4

We're a couple weeks behind so let's dive right in!


• We see the results of Cole Ortiz's heroic Hassan saving demolition derby. Good news, they're both okay.

• Jack and the Friendly Cop are en route to the scene when they get a notification that there's carnage at the UN. Jack says "I need my weapon" and Friendly Cop says "Your bag is behind the seat." Even the cop knows that Jack's greatest weapon is his bag. His bag full of weapons.

• Longhair Todd gets word that Hassan is alive and is devastated, but has to play it cool in front of Hassan's daughter and harsh frigid wife.

• Davros calls Todd and tells him the jig is up. So like a dork Todd flees and stabs a cop with, what is that a cell phone? Oh it's a pen. An expensive looking pen. Pen-stabbing is crazy.


• Cole tracks Davros to the UN basement, which is really crummy. Oh no! Davros got the drop on him! Ortiz calls CTU but in a heroic move puts his own life in danger by spilling the beans about Davros' location.

• POP! They pull a classic move, the old "The Guy You Thought Got Shot Didn't Get Shot Because The Guy You Thought Shot the Guy You Thought Got Shot Actually Got Shot By a Guy Offscreen." Classic.

Jack Bauer Weapon Count #5! That trusty gun. I'm going to stop counting the regular gun as a Jack weapon. It just doesn't have enough pazazz.

• Jack takes some pictures for his scrapbook.



• Hassan and Hastings meet.


"No, there are lots of ways to prepare shrimp. Shrimp taco, Shrimp fries, Shrimptini..."


"Wait are those people the ones that don't eat shellfish?"

SURPRISE TWIST #4!: They're bringing in Renee Walker! I don't know who that is. I've missed the last few seasons.

• Here's a mysterious fellow sitting in a miniaturized replica of Russia.


• Suit Man's confidence is turning into blatant smugness. He wants Hassan to quit his bellyachin' about the assassination attempt and return to the negotiations.


• President Taylor and Hassan spend five minutes trying to out apologize each other. "I'm so embarassed." "No, I'm so embarrassed!"


• Hassan doesn't realize that Taylor can see him through the black bar. One of the perks of Executive Privilege.

• The peace talks are still on! "You hang up first." "No you hang up first!" And they laugh and laugh.


• Jack is back at CTU with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. "Well, I'm off to L.A.!" He's been basement-tortured, killed a man, and almost been exploded in a helicopter, but for him that still adds up to a pretty good day.

• Jack finds out Renee is coming back and that wipes that smile right off his face. I wonder what their history is?

• Wikipedia: "Jack shoots and grazes her in the neck but is forced to bury her alive." Oh yeah, that'll be awkward.

• Davros' body is contaminated with weapons grade uranium! Hassan explains that his brother wants regime change, and is probably trying to purchase some black-market nuclear material.

• A helicopter lands against a fake New York City backdrop.

• While President Taylor spies on Chloe.



• Kate from Lost? No it's Renee.




Chloe: "So... whatcha been up to?"
Renee: "Can't you tell by my wide-eyed gaze? I'VE GONE MAD!"


• Renee translates some tattoos. None of the fancy equipment in CTU has access to google.

• Renee used to be undercover with the Russian Mob. Ever seen the movie Eastern Promises? In that one they have an actual Russian go undercover with the Russian mob. Seems like a better idea. But Hastings decides that since her cover is still intact she needs to work her way back in. Like, right now.

• Renee's distant and shocked expression tells me that this will go very well.

• Jack bumps into Renee.

• Who stands that close to each other to have a conversation? It's weird right? Or maybe everyone does that and I'm just cold and unknowable.

• Jack is barely audible. The sounds I do hear are the sounds of sexual tension.

• Meredith Reed is released. She should just be glad she wasn't tortured.


"Hey guys what's going on? Oh a briefing?"

• Hastings, maybe don't throw someone who's been retired for years into a major undercover operation without a background check or psychological profiling.

Jack: "Look, I'm retired. I'm going to L.A. I'm sure you guys can handle this."
Hastings and Renee: "Sounds good. Take care Jack."
Jack: "I'm not getting pulled back in. Not this time."
Renee: [wide-eyed stare]
Jack: "Okay fine! I'll play a guy who wants to buy Uranium. Let's get going."


• Longhair shows up at the Russian's palace and they engage in an Alpha Male standoff.

• Hehe. They're talking about their "rods."


"We keep the nuclear material back here, with the Diet Mt. Dew. Although if you ask me, what's the difference! I kid, I kid."

• Chloe tries to get Jack and Renee to go over their cover story but they don't have time for crap like that. I mean, the fate of the world is in the balance. Why waste your time on details? Details that could make or break the whole operation?

• Sleezy Almost Leonardo calls Dana again. Really no further development of this story line, but I guess you can't show Jack all the time.


• Renee is just having a chat with this Russian she used to gang around with. Oh wait she's trying to seduce him. Nuclear seduction.

• I look at Renee and I can't help but think about how she smells. Dirty hair and one of those vague stuffy house smells that clings to her clothes, covered up with a strongly scented cheap lotion.

• Oh great, she's one of those hand choppers.


• Jack shows reason and restraint! Renee has lost her mind OMG no one at CTU could have predicted that. Waaaaaah!