B: "So uh, want to watch a three week old 24?"
Mike: (my brother and viewing companion throughout the season): "Sure."
[I fire up an episode]
Mike: "Aw crap. I just realized we have to actually have to watch it now. It's not enough to just say 'sure' and have it done with."
So anyway. 24 yay!
• We open with a shot of the Kiefer Sutherland Building.
• My father doesn't trust you. He thinks you're involved in the conspiracy. Betcha he is.
• Cole tries desperately to revive Fake Leo, much as Freddie Prinze Jr. tries desperately to revive his career hi-yo!
• That was a cheap joke. I have no beef with FPjr at all. I just saw an opening and had to take it.
• President Taylor is getting short with Hastings. The time for pleasantries is over.
• Hastings asks to speak to Suit Guy alone, which leads to -
SURPRISE TWIST! Turns out Suit Guy's name is Mr. Weiss.
• Hastings tells Weiss that he's not getting a pony for Christmas and Weiss throws a little fit.
• Well, it's clear why they hired that actor to play Owen: his great "scared" face.
• A bunch of CTU guy's in body armor and equipped with state-of-the-art weapons? As good as dead.
• Let's check in with Farhad, see how he's doing.
• Yikes. Not good.
• Taylor gives Hassan the bad news. If the dirty bomb the bad guys are making goes off, she will have no choice to attack. Hassan pretends to be nervous, but knows that she might as well be threatening to attack Narnia.
• Tarin escapes, thanks to Hassan's daughter. Bad move. Or maybe he'll prove to me a Kamistanian Jack Bauer.
• Nah, something about that guy makes him seem untrustworthy...
• Well, Farhad gets shot a bunch of times, literally seconds before Jack and the gang show up.
• "Chloe, we've got Farhad and he's been hit! I need those files!" Ambulance, Jack. You don't need files, you need an ambulance.
• Of course the terrorists have escaped. Someone should teach CTU about the strategic advantages of setting up a perimeter. "Okay, we'll get ten cars and fifty guys and hit 'em from the font!" "What if they try to sneak out the back?" "Naaaaaah they won't sneak out the back let's go!"
• President Taylor is meeting with three giant heads. Not clear who they are but Wild Bill Guarnare has some bad news about casualties.
• Weiss: "Obviously a city-wide evacuation is out of the question." Well why the **** not?! You'd rather risk everyone in Manhattan killed than create a panic? I'm so sick of "not creating a panic" being the prime concern of any administration.
• Over and out for the three guys. So it took three guys to pretty much say the exact same thing: that a nuclear attack in Manhattan would be very bad.
• Let's take a moment to enjoy the most perfect hair the world has ever seen.
• Notice the fake backdrop behind Hassan. Every light in that building is on. At 1:30 in the morning. Al Gore is rolling over in his grave.
• Farhad didn't make it, but Jack has an idea: leak to the press that he survived and is at a local hospital, to lure out the terrorists. I'd like to take a moment to remember happier times with Farhad, aka Longhair Todd.
• Cole and Dana do the honorable thing and try to sink the bodies into a swamp. At this point I'd rather watch Arlo sit quietly at his workstation than this stuff.
• Jack instructs the CTU guys to keep Farhad "looking alive" while they transport his body to the hospital. Weekend at Bernie's antics ensue.
• Jack asks Owen is he's okay. This is one of the best scenes I've ever seen in this show. Owen nods affirmatively, his eyes wide, his mouth agape, and his head vibrating from nervousness.
• Jack says "I know you and your team don't have a lot of training or experience." What the earth? Does anyone in this organization have training or experience? If so, maybe they should have sent THOSE guys instead of Owen? Does CTU recruit through Craigslist ads? If Cole Ortiz would normally lead this operation, shouldn't he have an equally competent second? Or is the choice only Cole vs. Some Dude? Hastings has altogether too much confidence in Cole I think. "Uh sir, the guys are asking when they're getting weapons training. What should I tell them?" "Tell them to take five because we've got Cole Ortiz."
• Taylor and Hassan have a warm goodbye, as Hassan has decided to go back home.
• Jack, if you want to fool people into thinking he's alive, stop shouting the phase "Farhad's body" all over the place.
• Facial recognition software. I know a little bit about computers, and it seems terribly inefficient to display fully rendered photo of every human on earth who doesn't match.
• Jack strongly implies, for the fourth episode in a row, that he wants to nail Renee. Maybe he should come out and say it in case she doesn't get his repeated "I want to be there for you. Be there. For YOU."
• This guy has a bomb vest and a detonator. Chloe is using detonator matching software (for real) to try to remotely disarm the bomb.
• Owen! He's dripping with sweat! His voice is cracking! OWEN is my favorite character on this show, ever.
• "I p-p-picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue!"
• Owen comes face-to-face with Maros, our suicide bomber. This is the most important moment of Owen's life.
• Okay, I'm excited about this show again thanks to Owen.
• I am so tense right now. I'm worried that Owen is going to die a noble death instead of going on to become the hero of the series.
• Owen brilliantly tricks this guy Marcos into revealing his bomb, which allows Chloe to use bomb recognition software. It's disarmed!
• Owen swiftly apprehend's Marcos. Just kidding he hits the floor.
• Marcos tries to detonate the bomb, but fails! Owen cries! Marcos shoots Farhad's body 'til his gun goes "click."
• Owen decides to take down Marcos, and gets a mouthful of gunmetal for his efforts. Back to the floor for you, Owen.
• Jack bursts in and tells Marcos to put the gun down. He says "It's alright, it's alright" ostensibly to Marcos, but really he's saying that to Owen, who runs out of the room vomiting.
• Marcos is a fascinating villain, because he's the bad guys' answer to Owen. I can't wait for the stories yet to be told. They'll go down in history. Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty, Superman and Lex Luthor, Owen and Marcos.
• Marcos jumps through the glass, down several stories, then gets up and runs...
• ... back into the hospital to seek medical attention!
• Jack jumps after him and radios to "set up a C-shaped perimeter!"
• What is this? Why does this hospital have a panic room?
• Marcos calls his buddies, who tell him to set off the bomb manually. So the bad guys' training is as good as CTU's. Shouldn't they have told him that manual bomb trick before sending him on that important mission?
• Marcos is locked in, but Jack is able to track him down on Chat Roulette.
• But before Jack can type "hey u give it up u r a looser" Marcos nexts him and Jack is forced to look at a guy playing with his weiner.