Tuesday, January 19, 2010

24: Day 8: Hour 1

One of my New Year's Resolutions, my only New Year's Resolution in fact, was to watch more television. The last couple of years I've limited my viewing to exclusively watch shows where people are being judged, like Top Chef or Project Runway or the Tyra Banks Goes Crazy and Steals America's Innocence Variety Fun Hour. A friend recommended that since I'm so keen on televised judging that I might enjoy a judge show like but I'm rarely home awake during the day.

But that's neither here nor there. 2010 is going to be the year of TV. I've decided to watch every show, starting in alpha-numeric order. First up is 24. Then 48 Hours Investigates. I'm not sure what comes after that, as this is a short-sighted plan.

So! I'm going to be watching 24 and blogging my thoughts live as I watch! Maybe later I'll throw some pictures in. I'm glad you've chosen to join me on this journey. I'll think we'll learn a lot about the world, and ourselves.

The following blog will take place between 7:06pm and Whenever I Finish. Events occur in real time, for me.

• I've seen every episode of 24, minus 2/3rds of Season 4, 11/12ths of Season 6, and 4/4ths of Season 7. Other than that, I know this show like I know my oldest pair of shoes.

• Oh, Kiefer Sutherland is in this? Neat! I'm glad to see him getting out of the house.

• Looks like we're in New York City this season. To make sure we never forget, a yellowcab is in every scene. Even the interiors.

• A suspicious looking fellow is getting out of one of these cabs in a brand new red hooded sweatshirt. Hey is that Lou Diamond Phillips? Oh. It's not. Maybe we shouldn't even bother with this.

• An assassin has his sights on him.

• but luckily the assassin is of the "maybe I should just watch him for nine more seconds just to make sure" school.

• Uh oh dead guy in the tub!

• Red Hoodie has a piece. No wait it's a phone. No wait it's both! Uh-oh, his other buddy has been shot too!

• For being a junkie his sweatshirt is surprisingly new and in great condition.

• Red Hoodie is being watched by a guy with a poofy beehive wig.

• Red Hoodie pulls the old outerwear switcheroo and will heretofore be known as Green Jacket.

• Green Jacket has hotwired a sweet ride. A... Pontiac?

• Does Pontiac even exist anymore?

• These bad guys have questionable accents and vague ethnicity. That's the most dangerous foe. The kind you can't easily apply a set of stereotypes too. How do you know if you can distract them with a pizza pie or gradually defeat them with a potato famine?

• Green Jacket escapes.

"Ah crap. I should have at least fired once."

• Awwww, Jack has finally settled down and is getting some rest.

• But he still hates surprises. That polar bear suffered an unspeakable fate.

• There's everybody's favorite Canadian, Elisha Cuthbert, with a thing that looks uncannily like a human. Something something Jack is going to settle down for good and move with to L.A.

• The United Nations Building. Did you know that the UN building features this sculpture?

• Now that you know that, does it make you uncomfortable to think about how many important things go on inside that building while that sculpture rests outside?

• Bob Gunton? Oh great. Someone is going to be given an unnecessarily hard time.

• The Poofy Hair epidemic continues.

• Well, that should be it for dudes with crazy hair WHAT THE-

• I think Madame President has a little crush on Poofy Haired Evil Regis.

• Jack is speaking in a normal tone of voice instead of his trademark Whisper-Yell. I think that means he's officially retired.

• Jack to Kim: "I've made up my mind. I want to move back to LA. I've got a friend with a private security firm."

SURPRISE TWIST #1! - Jack has friends that aren't dead.

• In other news, it looks like Bones is finally taking on the JFK assassination. You'll want to make sure to tune in, whatever day Bones is on.

• Meanwhile, back at the UN some lady's press credentials are invalid. I can't decide if she looks like Renee Zellwegger or Lisa Kudrow. Either way, she's not getting into the UN.

• Evil Regis and Longhair Todd are arguing about something.

"They want the nuclear inspection team to be headed by an American!"

"If that is the path to peace, so be it!"

"But what if it's a trick! Look how tricky they are!"

"We have fought too hard for these historic peace accords! You know nothing!"

"I saved Latin! What did you ever do?"

"Nevermind that! There's a blonde reporter I want to bang. Make sure she gets into the building."

• Seriously, so poofy.

• Back at his apartment Jack packs his celebrated Jack Bag.

"Hmm, I bet I could get the flatscreen in here..."

• Knock at the door, Green Jacket.

• Jack: "Lou? Is it time for Young Guns III? Oh."

• Green Jacket: "I have important information! You're going to want to hear it! It's so important that I have to tell it to you right away! Before I bleed to death! If I bleed to death you won't know the information that I have and it's too important for you to not know, this information, that I have!"

• Turns out there's a hit out on Evil Regis.

• We meet Freddie Prinze Jr. and take a quick jaunt through CTU New York, a Galaxy Class starship.

• Starbuck with long hair! She's wearing a tank top. I'm glad to see that CTU still doesn't have a dress code.

• Our old friend Chloe! Frustrated with CTU's new computer system. That seems unlikely.

• Odd, there's an African-American gentleman on network television and he's not a former case member of the Wire.

• Jack: "Hey, there's a hit on Evil Regis!"
CTU: "Piss off."

• CTU's latest sarcastic computer guy is using the remarkable surveillance tech to spy on a girl sunbathing in a modest bikini. 'cause how else would a tech savvy guy be able to find a naked lady on a computer?

• Beehive Wig is in league with some kind of menacing Dracula Man.

• Bob Gunton breaks some good news to the President, then runs off to search for some Contraband.

• Suit Guy shows up. He seems dangerously competent. A little too competent to be part of a 24 executive administration.

• He warns of the threat of the Evil Regis hit but Gunton is from the "we don't want to incite a panic" school.

• yeah Suit Guy, you tell him!

• Uh oh, Gunton is from the "sneeking away and popping pills" school too.

• Oh, they're not feelgood pills, they're anti-death pills. Suit Guy shows compassion.

• Romantic Tension! Freddie Prinze and Starbuck are engaged or something.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #1!: Jack produces a switchblade used to make a band-aid out of a mattress.

• Evil Regis's wife coldly spurns his affections.

• Suit Guy is pissed.

• You're gonna like the way you look, standing up to the President.

• Jack is on a deadline but the NYPD screws everything up, as usual.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #2!: 9mm lockshooter.

JACK BAUER WEAPON COUNT #3!: Fire axe. That axe probably wasn't in his bag, but we can't know for sure.

• Dracula Man kills a CTU chopper! Green Jacket reveals that there is someone on the inside! Someone close to Evil Regis! Blonde Reporter promises to her cell phone that "It will get done!" Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Share/Bookmark


  1. Muhahaha! This is great! I do hope you make this a regular thing. I don't even watch 24 & this was hilarious.

  2. too much excitement for one show! how do they pack it all in?!!! *hyperventilates*

  3. This is awesome. And it looks like it's gonna be an intense season. Is that the warden from Shawshank AND the stretchy guy from X-Files? HOT DAMN!

  4. 1) Longhair Todd is obviously the long lost brother of Lester on Chuck.

    2) Dracula Man is none other than Percy Weyutmoah from The Green Mile. HE KILLED MR. JINGLES!!!!!!!!!! So, yeah, we know he's a bad guy.

  5. The Rushmore quote is the best.

  6. But The Wire comment made me laugh out.

  7. Poor Bob Gunton. He can never be nice after Shawshank.