Part 2: Axl
Before we get into the specifics of November Rain, let’s meet the players.
This is Axl Rose. Many years ago he arrived in L.A. a naïve young hayseed with a fondness for wheat stalks and eye make-up.
He was quickly corrupted by the city, or “jungle,” where sin and temptation were around every corner. For example, look at this steamy billboard:
I mean, that billboard alone could turn any innocent youngster from this:
He’s the singer in the band, but sometimes he prefers to whistle.
He’s terribly afraid of being hit by a foul ball, so he always wears a chest protector on stage.
By 1988 Axl’s persona couldn’t have been further from that hick that stepped off the bus. Look at him. The quintessential rock star.
Yep, he was one cool guy. A totally….authentic…
What the hell?Okay, so his coolness didn’t even last as long as the George Bush administration. Around the release of the multi-platinum albums Use Your Illusion I and II he turned from bad-ass rocker to pompous douche bag. This is also around the same time he started dating Victoria’s Secret model Stephanie Seymour, the second character in our story.
Part 3: Stephanie
Cool, sixteen more pages.
What? No, what were talking about? Oh right! Here you go.
Although she made a name for herself as a supermodel she’s probably best known as an adult acne survivor. She appeared in infomercials for The Proactiv Solution but she is no longer mentioned on the website. I wonder what the story is there?
It may have seemed like Axl and Stephanie had a stable relationship, what with all the cemetery picnics.
And don’t even think of giving that blonde tramp at the bar free piano lessons.
and then Slash gets frightened.
Part 4: Slash
-to the company of a good woman.
When his girlfriend gets mad at him-
Part 5: Bass Player
This makes the ladies giggle.
Part 6: November Rain
Part 7: the Wedding
Axl sings the lyrics “Love is always coming love is always going.” More foreshadowing, kids.
Don’t you want to just punch Axl's smug face as hard as you can?
A flashback within a flashback? That’s what I call artsy! I believe this is the engagement party. Look how happy everybody is.
Luckily Bass Player (the better man) has it.
Like Tom Cruise, Axl tries to promote his religion whenever possible. That pinky ring shows that he has pledged his loyalty to the Dark Lord Sauron.
Part 8: a note about Slash
After he’s done with a solo he just tosses the guitar aside like a cigarette butt.
Part 9: The Reception
That’s a blatant conflict of interest. I for one don’t think that MTV’s journalists should co-mingle with the artists that they cover. I’ve written to MTV several times about this.
Part 10: Disaster
Remember those storm clouds I mentioned? Here comes the rain. Everybody panic!
Part 11: The Moral of the Story
Stephanie’s rain death reveals the true meaning of this video. It’s a cautionary tale about the dangers of acid rain. And almost fifteen years before An Inconvenient Truth. Eat your heart our Al Gore. Notice how the color of the funeral bouquet subtly changes.
Isn’t it obvious? Global Warming! This is a real problem, people! And what are we doing about it? Does Guns n’ Roses need to reunite before we stand up and take notice!
describes the misery of a former multiplatinum blues-influenced rock star, now so drunk and drug-addled he never knows what day it is, who reminisces over an on-and-off-again relationship. He leaves this erstwhile girlfriend a telephone message, becomes concerned when she doesn't answer, and then goes to her apartment, kicking down her door to find she had just shot herself in the head while listening to his music.
Part 12: Where are they now?
In 1993 Guns n’ Roses was the most popular band in the world.
But that wasn’t enough for Axl. After Stephanie’s death he was inconsolable and took to showering with his clothes on.
Eventually he took time off from the band and poured his heart and soul into designing and marketing the “Air Axl” sneaker.
The shoes did not sell well at all. That was the last straw for Axl. While traveling on a cargo ship delivering the unsold shoes to third world countries, he threw himself over the side.
He survived the fall, but was savagely killed by a pack of angry dolphins.
Luckily, Axl had been cloned at the height of his popularity.
Supposedly the album will come out this fall, which will inevitably lead to lawsuits over royalties (the Axl clones feel that they deserve more than the ghost since they're so much more corporeal).