24: Day 8: Hour 5

Still two weeks behind, I just can't catch up. Let's go!

• We're globetrotting at the start of this hour as we pan across the skyline of the Islamic Republic of Kamistan. President Taylor is going to feel so stupid when she finds out she's been negotiating with a fake country.


• All the pictures Hassan showed her of Kamistan were actually postcards from the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas.

• Longhair is on the phone with some Sweaty Villains(tm).


• Hassan's forces in Kamistan are rounding up suspected terrorists that are all in co-operation with Longhair and General Sweaty.

• The Russian's son is dying of radiation poisoning. The Russian's Other Son says he can get treatment but pops refuses. If he's gonna die, he's gonna die. You think you become head of the Russian Mob by caring about your offspring?

• I wonder if his face is capable of any other expression?


• Oh wait here he is grinning.



• I've never seen the movie Das Boot but I bet I would like it.

• Longhair will PayPal The Russian the money for the nuclear rods in five hours. That should give Jack plenty of time to stop the sale, but not enough time to take us to the end of the season. So in five hours expect the New Bad Guy to show up.

• See, every season of 24 the original set of bad guys get taken out about halfway through, then a new more sinister group of bad guys takes over from there.

• The Russian: "I'll help us pass the time" and out come some hot hot hotties!


• Longhair is playing it cool, acting like he doesn't care, but you would not believe the boner he's sporting right now.



• Renee "Snarles Barkley" Walker is trying to ... reattach the hand? Oh she didn't even cut the whole thing off, just the thumb. That hardly even counts.


• Jack is piiiiiissed. I've never seen him like that before.

• Jack tells Renee she's unstable. She's so hurt by this that she cuts off her own ear to prove him wrong.

• Renee declares, "I'm the best chance anyone has of recovering the uranium." Wrong Snarles, Jack Bauer armed with an Etch-a-Sketch would still have a better chance than you.

• Haha, Thumbless Russian is making crazy noises. He sounds like Chewbacca mixed with Sloth.

• Renee: "What's done is done, don't whine about it like a baby." No sympathy.

• Oh good everyone's favorite story line returns! Dana Walsh and Fake Leo's stupid phone calls. So apparently he calls once an hour, with the same taunt. "I need to see you. Don't make me call your boy-friend."

• Geez now Arlo is giving Dana the business. I kind of feel like I'm not part of the club since I haven't sleezily asked her on a date yet. "Dana, Starbuck, Katee, whichever of those is your real name: Why run around Hollywood like a big shot when you could be with a Lolcat Man?"

• Back in PresidentLand Suit Man is speaking with great urgency as he tells Taylor about the nuclear materials. He's getting whiny. I wish he'd just square up with people instead of standing with his hands on his hips and talking to people sideways.


• Bob Gunton is the voice of reason here. See, Hassan is cracking down on dissidents and violating his own country's laws, which could delegitimize the peace talks.

• Thumbless Russian is drinking vodka, in case you forgot what his nationality was.


• The lovefest between the President and Hassan is over. Great line reading by Hassan. "Your asking me to show meeeeercy to an enemy whoistrying to DESTROY ME!"

• The Russian's sons have gone rogue! Healthy Son is taking Radioactive Son to the doctor, against his father's specific wishes.

• Back to Hassan's family. More of what we love. Family drama. Hassan's cold and terrible wife is spewing vague anti-Hassan sentiments to their daughter. "You can make your own decisions. I'm not going to say anything to make you think your father is a bastard face."

• Doesn't that hand seem really big?


• Hassan's wife says a tearful goodbye. They're through. Hassan's hair seems a little less poofy now.

• Renee is giving Jack some lip but he will not take her guff! Personally I don't care for Renee's cavalier attitude either.

• Their going in to meet some more Russians. Jack's cover: he's a Munich based arms dealer named Ernst Meier. I hope he does a German accent.

• More sweaty villains just hanging out in the dark.


• Fake Leo invited a buddy over to stay at Dana's place. Who is this clown?

• He loses his temper. Wants some respect. Beating up Dana is a bad way to get it. We learn about their past: she spent some time in the clink, but got out before him because she was a minor. He thinks she testified against him (at this point we don't know what the crime was). Fake Leo wants money, at least six figures. I don't think he deserves that. In fact I think Dana should just kill him right now. Instead she's crying.

• More stuff with Jack and Renee. It's possible - possible - that Renee has nothing to lose.

• Sweaty Russian is quizzing her on all the terrorists she knows while Jack frantically Wikipedias the names. Sweaty Russian: "Oh you know Javier? Well surely you know Ricardo as well?" Renee: (long pause) "Nooo... because Ricardo was killed by Federales!"

• More close talking!


• Sweaty Russian is still suspicious, ties up Renee and throws her in the trunk.

• Convenient new technology makes "Enlarge, Enhance" license-plate reading that much easier.


• Jack is following, but what if it's the wrong car?



• Jack: "DAMMIT!" That was kind of cool.

• The Russian brothers barge in on Dr. Winceface.


• Jack is still following while Hastings barks out worthless orders.

• Yep, Jack was following the wrong car.


• Jack: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!"

• Jack is on the way to the site of Renee's execution. He tells her via secret earpiece to do whatever it takes to stall.


• Jack: "GEEZE LOUISE THIS IS BALONEY!"

• Sweaty Russian ask Renee why he shouldn't kill her and she says:



• Renee's life is spared! The deal is still on! Whaaaaaaa!