We're a couple weeks behind so let's dive right in!
• We see the results of Cole Ortiz's heroic Hassan saving demolition derby. Good news, they're both okay.
• Jack and the Friendly Cop are en route to the scene when they get a notification that there's carnage at the UN. Jack says "I need my weapon" and Friendly Cop says "Your bag is behind the seat." Even the cop knows that Jack's greatest weapon is his bag. His bag full of weapons.
• Longhair Todd gets word that Hassan is alive and is devastated, but has to play it cool in front of Hassan's daughter and harsh frigid wife.
• Davros calls Todd and tells him the jig is up. So like a dork Todd flees and stabs a cop with, what is that a cell phone? Oh it's a pen. An expensive looking pen. Pen-stabbing is crazy.
• Cole tracks Davros to the UN basement, which is really crummy. Oh no! Davros got the drop on him! Ortiz calls CTU but in a heroic move puts his own life in danger by spilling the beans about Davros' location.
• POP! They pull a classic move, the old "The Guy You Thought Got Shot Didn't Get Shot Because The Guy You Thought Shot the Guy You Thought Got Shot Actually Got Shot By a Guy Offscreen." Classic.
Jack Bauer Weapon Count #5! That trusty gun. I'm going to stop counting the regular gun as a Jack weapon. It just doesn't have enough pazazz.
• Jack takes some pictures for his scrapbook.
• Hassan and Hastings meet.
"No, there are lots of ways to prepare shrimp. Shrimp taco, Shrimp fries, Shrimptini..."
"Wait are those people the ones that don't eat shellfish?"
SURPRISE TWIST #4!: They're bringing in Renee Walker! I don't know who that is. I've missed the last few seasons.
• Here's a mysterious fellow sitting in a miniaturized replica of Russia.
• Suit Man's confidence is turning into blatant smugness. He wants Hassan to quit his bellyachin' about the assassination attempt and return to the negotiations.
• President Taylor and Hassan spend five minutes trying to out apologize each other. "I'm so embarassed." "No, I'm so embarrassed!"
• Hassan doesn't realize that Taylor can see him through the black bar. One of the perks of Executive Privilege.
• The peace talks are still on! "You hang up first." "No you hang up first!" And they laugh and laugh.
• Jack is back at CTU with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. "Well, I'm off to L.A.!" He's been basement-tortured, killed a man, and almost been exploded in a helicopter, but for him that still adds up to a pretty good day.
• Jack finds out Renee is coming back and that wipes that smile right off his face. I wonder what their history is?
• Wikipedia: "Jack shoots and grazes her in the neck but is forced to bury her alive." Oh yeah, that'll be awkward.
• Davros' body is contaminated with weapons grade uranium! Hassan explains that his brother wants regime change, and is probably trying to purchase some black-market nuclear material.
• A helicopter lands against a fake New York City backdrop.
• While President Taylor spies on Chloe.
• Kate from Lost? No it's Renee.
Chloe: "So... whatcha been up to?"
Renee: "Can't you tell by my wide-eyed gaze? I'VE GONE MAD!"
• Renee translates some tattoos. None of the fancy equipment in CTU has access to google.
• Renee used to be undercover with the Russian Mob. Ever seen the movie Eastern Promises? In that one they have an actual Russian go undercover with the Russian mob. Seems like a better idea. But Hastings decides that since her cover is still intact she needs to work her way back in. Like, right now.
• Renee's distant and shocked expression tells me that this will go very well.
• Jack bumps into Renee.
• Who stands that close to each other to have a conversation? It's weird right? Or maybe everyone does that and I'm just cold and unknowable.
• Jack is barely audible. The sounds I do hear are the sounds of sexual tension.
• Meredith Reed is released. She should just be glad she wasn't tortured.
"Hey guys what's going on? Oh a briefing?"
• Hastings, maybe don't throw someone who's been retired for years into a major undercover operation without a background check or psychological profiling.
Jack: "Look, I'm retired. I'm going to L.A. I'm sure you guys can handle this."
Hastings and Renee: "Sounds good. Take care Jack."
Jack: "I'm not getting pulled back in. Not this time."
Renee: [wide-eyed stare]
Jack: "Okay fine! I'll play a guy who wants to buy Uranium. Let's get going."
• Longhair shows up at the Russian's palace and they engage in an Alpha Male standoff.
• Hehe. They're talking about their "rods."
"We keep the nuclear material back here, with the Diet Mt. Dew. Although if you ask me, what's the difference! I kid, I kid."
• Chloe tries to get Jack and Renee to go over their cover story but they don't have time for crap like that. I mean, the fate of the world is in the balance. Why waste your time on details? Details that could make or break the whole operation?
• Sleezy Almost Leonardo calls Dana again. Really no further development of this story line, but I guess you can't show Jack all the time.
• Renee is just having a chat with this Russian she used to gang around with. Oh wait she's trying to seduce him. Nuclear seduction.
• I look at Renee and I can't help but think about how she smells. Dirty hair and one of those vague stuffy house smells that clings to her clothes, covered up with a strongly scented cheap lotion.
• Oh great, she's one of those hand choppers.
• Jack shows reason and restraint! Renee has lost her mind OMG no one at CTU could have predicted that. Waaaaaah!